


Spaghetti

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Nights [35]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Batman: The Dark Prince Charming (Comics), Harley Quinn (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: Betrayal, Dark Web, Drinking, F/M, Gangs, Revenge, Robbery, Semi-Public Sex, Shooting Guns, ebay, nonabusive Joker and Harley Quinn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:48:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26686930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Some Henchmen learn that it's not good to steal from the Joker and Harley Quinn
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel
Series: Gotham Nights [35]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/551110
Comments: 11
Kudos: 28





	Spaghetti

Frost smiled as he pulled the car into the parking lot beside the Ace of Clubs bar. Joker leaned between the seats grinning brightly when he saw the weak neon light of a naked girl holding playing cards over her breasts above the bar’s door. 

“Perfect first stop Frosty!!” Joker announced with glee. 

The Clown Prince of Crime kissed Frost on the cheek then turned his attention to Bob, kissing the big man on the cheek as well. Bob blushed and giggled without making a sound. Tonight Bob was dressed all in white and light baby blue from his tutu to the fuzzy bunny ears perched on his bald head. 

Joker laughed and gave both men’s shoulders a squeeze. “Time to celebrate boys!!” 

Joker ducked back into the back seat again, flopping down next to Harley and grabbed her hand. He brought her gloved knuckles up to his red lips and kissed them while smiling at her. 

“Come along my dear! It is time we went and rubbed everyone’s noses in our success tonight!” Joker’s smile was wide. “Let’s hope Eddie is here drowning his sorrows in a bottle of beer after his failure last week!’ Joker laughed. “That would be the cherry on top of this evening!” 

Harley giggled happily. “Oh, I love it when we celebrate!! But puddin really, you are so mean to Eddie!” She was smiling, clearly not upset at Joker’s wish to rub their success under Eddie’s nose. She liked Eddie and Quelle, but sometimes The Riddler did like to lord his intellect over everyone and it got on her nerves...especially since she had a doctorate, something Eddie seemed to forget on a regular basis. 

Joker laughed as Frost opened the door to the car for him. 

Joker slipped out, giving Frost a smile before he turned back to the car. Harley smiled with a soft little groan of want. As usual, Joker looked delicious tonight. 

His suit jacket tonight was a dark emerald green that matched beautifully with his hair. He had added a shiny dark purple dress shirt with a faint print on the material depicting card suits. Joker had matched the green jacket with dark blue pinstripe slacks, cut to show off his slender legs (something Harley found especially sexy. She wasn’t sure what it was about Joker’s legs and hips that she liked so much, but most especially when he wore a well cut pair of slacks...made her wet instantly!) His bowtie was the same shade of blue as his slacks and his dress shoes were sharply pointed in dark purple leather with his favorite white spats over the top of them. Lastly, Joker had on his favorite long purple trench coat that brushed his ankles, and matching purple leather gloves. Harley wanted to open him like a Christmas present! 

She loved the fact that Joker’s hair was a bit of a mess tonight, caused by a combination of the damp Gotham early fall air and the fight with Batman, which made his hair curl wild and loose around his head. Whenever his hair curled like this, it always made him look a little more insane and younger, as well as a little more vulnerable. Harley felt her heart skip a beat when he smiled at her. His skin was the same perfectly ghost-white pale, but she could see a spot of blood at the corner of his lip, the slightly swollen cut on his upper lip and a bruise that was forming under his right eye, clear on his pale face showing that while they may have won tonight's confrontation with the Batman, they hadn’t gotten away without a few marks. 

Joker tucked his hand into the car and Harley took it, letting Joker gently pull her out of the car. For the caper this evening, Harley had worn a dress with a black and red corset top that left her neck and shoulders bare (except for the red lipstick marks that Joker had left all over her shoulders and neck and the bruises she had gotten from fighting off Robin, along with a few around her throat from when Batman had grabbed her), a full skirt that had one layer of red fabric, and another of black with several layers of white ruffles underneath that made the skirt bounce; also giving the skirt a Victorian doll vibe. She had on a pair of red and white striped stockings that made her legs look like candy canes and a pair of opera gloves, one glove black, the other red. Both covered the entirety of her forearms up to the elbows. Harley also had on a pair of high heeled ankle boots that laced up, one boot red, the other black, the sharp toes of each boot capped in metal so that when she kicked, it hurt--as the Boy Wonder learned when Harley had kicked the young man in the knee (she was pretty sure she broke the kid’s knee cap. That’d teach him about playing adult games!) Her hair (the tips of which she had dyed red and black just so that her hair would match with her dress tonight) was wrapped up in double buns on either side of her head. Harley had painted her clown face white, her lips painted black, and her eyes highlighted in more black paint that she had streaked across them like war paint making the light blue of her eyes stand out brightly through the black. 

Joker pulled her into his arms, his blue eyes dancing with bright mischief and glee. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her up against him as he purred. 

“You look good enough to eat, my sweet. It’ll be fun showing off how gorgeous you are in there and then get to pluck the eyes out of anyone whose gaze lingers too long…” He growled leaning in to kiss her. 

Harley giggled in response, wrapping her arms around him. “Mm...I do love it when you’re jealous puddin.” 

Joker chuckled as he dipped her back, waggling his green eyebrows at her suggestively. 

“What can I say? I’m selfish.” He brushed the tip of his nose against hers before he kissed her again. The kiss was slow, deep, and passionate, his tongue sliding and twisting with her tongue in a way that sent shivers of pleasure down Harley’s spine until they pooled in her groin, making her twitch. She loved it when a crime went off perfectly because it always put her puddin in such a good mood. A scheme failing sometimes put him in a good mood too, depending on the reasons for the failure, but winning always puts him in the best of moods and Harley always benefitted from those super good moods. 

Harley responded to his passionate kiss by running her gloved fingers through his hair before grasping his shoulders. Her caress was followed by another giggle when her puddin pulled her back to her feet and started to nibble on her throat, making that delightful purring sound he made in the back of his throat. Harley groaned softly. That purr of his made her want to rub her legs together; her entire body was on fire with want for her puddin. 

Joker’s hand had just snuck up to her breast, his attention clearly diverting from grabbing some celebratory drinks to thinking about other, more thrilling activities, when the other two getaway cars arrived, carrying the rest of the gang, all of whom had lived through the night and escaped Batman. 

That in itself was a reason to celebrate. A night in which no one in the gang died was rare indeed Harley thought with another giggle. 

The big B had really been off his game tonight Harley thought as she sighed happily when Joker dragged his tongue up her throat before dipping her back to nibble at her cleavage. She had to wonder if the Kitty Cat was keeping the big Bat from getting any nookie? She giggled at the thought of a sexually deprived bat as Joker set her back on her feet and took her hand just as the two other cars expelled the clowns that currently made up Joker’s gang. Archie, having driven one of the cars, sighed. The short clown looked forlorn as he exited the car. He had his cigar resting at the side of his mouth as he walked over to join Joker, Harley, Frost, and Bob. 

The rest of the gang waited for permission to enter the bar (many of them having learned their lesson the last time when Joker had melted two guys for going in first and Harley had used her mallet to play an impromptu game of crochet with one of the heads.) 

Archie sighed as he came to a stop. “Well, that was a disaster,” he muttered. 

Joker chuckled and reached over to pat the other man’s cheek affectionately. “Oh Archie, you are so cute. I’m sorry you didn’t die tonight. I promise I’ll work on making it happen next time.” 

Archie rolled his eyes. “No you won’t Boss.” 

Joker just ignored him since he found the short clown so much fun. Instead Joker hooked his arm around Harley’s waist and pulled her up against him. “All right kiddies!! Drinks are on me tonight!!” Joker threw his other arm up into the air and twisted a finger around. “Follow me!!” 

With his arm around Harley’s waist, Joker spun around and marched, leading their group inside. 

* 

The Ace of Clubs was a dive bar, and that was being generous, Harley thought as they all swarmed inside. But it was one of a handful of places that Gotham villains could go and have drinks without worrying about someone thinking they were a good samaritan and calling the cops to report seeing them. Everyone here was wanted by the cops, but the bar was considered to be neutral territory, a sacred space. 

Even Batman respected the place--though he wasn’t above coming in to try to get information from the patrons sometimes. Still, it was one of those places where everyone felt mostly safe. 

Joker burst through the doors, throwing his arms into the air. “DRINKS ON ME!!” 

The bar, which was decently full for a Saturday night, erupted into cheers. “YEAH JOKER!!” 

Harley giggled as she followed her puddin in and yelled loudly behind him. “WHO WANTS TO CHALLENGE ME AND MY BOYS TO DARTS!! WINNER GETS A KISS!” 

Joker spun around on his way to the bar. “HARLEY!! Now you know if you don’t win, then I have to kill people.” 

Harley stuck her bottom lip out and fluttered her eyes at Joker with a flirty air. “Ah puddin, you spoiled the surprise.” She pouted a little more animatedly adding a wiggle before she batted her eyes at him and cocked her hip. “And you assumed I would lose--I think I might be insulted puddin.” 

Joker snickered, walking quickly over to yank her against him, his mouth covering her in a kiss that got the bar yelling and whooping before he finished kissing her. Joker didn’t let her go, but held her close against him. “You are such a murderous little minx. Always doing things to make me laugh. One of the many, many reasons I love you toots. And you’re correct--you would never lose at darts my sweets. How stupid of me!” 

Harley giggled reached up to run her finger over his red lips. “I forgive you. So what can we give the winner now puddin if someone actually wins, since you spoiled my surprise?” 

Joker grinned brightly. “Well, since I’m feeling generous tonight, how about $10,000 if anyone beats Harley and her team in darts?” 

There was a loud cheering followed by several men and two women raising their hands to play darts against Harley and her little team. 

Joker rubbed his gloved hands together with a mischievous grin. “Oooh, this is going to be fun!” 

* 

The game of darts had only been going on for ten minutes, but Joker could already see the game that Harley was playing. 

Joker sat at the bar with a bottle of absinthe and a glass next to him. A couple of burning cubes of sugar were balanced on a fork over the green liquid, slowly melting into it. He wasn’t paying attention to his drink; instead his eyes were on Harley. She, along with Frost, Archie, and Bob were playing darts and so far, because of Harley, they had been losing, but Joker could tell that Harley was playing a game. She was going to win, but it wouldn’t be any fun if she just won flat out. No, his girl was making these losers she was playing against think they had a real chance of winning. He smirked, his heart doing a little flip, falling in love with her just a little bit more. She was such an evil little minx!! 

He turned and dropped the cubes of sugar into the drink and stirred it for a few seconds, letting them finish dissolving before picking his glass up and turning back to watch as Harley, holding a dart like she had never held one before, leaned forward in such a way that she was clearly showing off her ass. Her ruffled skirts flounced up until they were flipped up enough to show off the pair of barely there red panties she was wearing and highlighting the way that her garter belts were holding up her stockings. Harley knew how much he liked garter belts, the little sexy devil he thought with a happy grin. She knew he loved the way they pressed into her skin, the way they hung around her hips. He smirked sipping his drink and making a soft, barely audible growl in the back of his throat, his eyes on her rear. He was acutely aware of the other men in the bar watching her. Only the bartender seemed to have enough sense not to try to peak at Harley’s sweet assets. 

Joker sipped his drink, watching Harley make a spectacle of herself, squeezing her breasts in such a way to emphasize her cleavage when she picked up a dart, or the way she wiggled her hips and flounced her very nice rear, the way she would arch her back or trace a finger along the edge of her corset. She was being very distracting and Joker was pleasantly distracted. He never tired of watching his wife. 

The show was keeping the attention of the male dart players and a few females in the room, but Harley was clearly angering the two women who were playing darts against her. Joker smirked, making sure that he caught the names of the dart players. He also made sure to remember the faces of each dart player...for later. He probably wouldn’t kill them tonight--Harley’s little act was making him horny as hell--but he and his darling wife would hunt them down and kill them later...when they least expected it. 

It would be a fun date night for the future!! 

Joker sipped his drink as Harley threw her dart, this time her shot landed perfectly in the middle of the board, much to the surprise of the other players. Joker grinned brightly. Here was the turn around when Harley and the others wiped the floor with their opponents. It was fun watching the shock of the other players when they realized they had just been bamboozled. 

He chuckled with pleasure, his mind wandering to thoughts of pulling those panties down Harley’s shapely legs and burying his mouth in her cleavage. 

Across the room, sitting at a table together, were five of Joker and Harley’s hench people. Reno, a tall man with black hair that clearly came from a bottle, Sally with hair so red that it looked like a crayon color and chopped off at her shoulders with what looked like a blunt instrument. Next to Sally sat Allie, a short, dark skinned woman with a shaved head and a skull tattoo on both sides over her ears, her boyfriend, Jarold, a man who liked to wear red clown noses all the time, everywhere, and the last member of their little group, the mastermind of their plan, Shep, who resembled a greasy rat. 

Shep grinned, watching Joker and Harley. “This is the perfect time…” he murmured, turning his attention back to his companions. 

All of them leaned forward around their table whispering, though the bar was loud enough Shep doubted anyone would hear their discussion. The Boss was busy drinking and watching Harley Quinn, his right hand man Frost was playing darts, as were the only other people Shep felt they had to worry about, Bob and Archie. They would not get another perfect moment. 

Allie shook her head. “I don’t know Shep. I mean, Harley’s playing with those guys. She’s gonna get tired any minute now and decide to win the game. Besides, we can’t keep doing this...we’re gonna get caught.” 

“So? They aren’t paying any attention to us and we’re only going to get caught if you guys don’t do your jobs and fuck up.” Shep grinned watching Joker who was leaning over in his chair, looking like he might fall completely out of his chair as he tried to look under Harley’s skirt. Shep couldn’t understand how the clown stayed so interested in Harley Quinn. Yeah she was gorgeous, but he would have thought the crazy clown would be bored with her by now. He usually moved on to another chick after a couple of weeks, but the Joker had gone and married that blonde ditz. But then again, Shep didn’t understand why anyone would ever get married anyhow. 

Jarold shook his head. “I think we should wait or not do this at all. It’s getting too dangerous.” 

“Why? Fuck, look how at how much money we’re making!” He looked around at their group. He could tell by their expressions that they were starting to get cold feet. He supposed he couldn't blame them, as they were playing a very dangerous game. “Look, one, maybe two more and we’ll score big, then we can leave Joker’s gang before we get killed.” Shep leaned back and folded his arms over his thin chest. 

“We do this and get caught, we’re gonna end up dead anyway...” Reno muttered. 

“If,” Shep pointed out before he narrowed his eyes at Reno. “Ain’t no one making you stay asswipe. You’re here just like the rest of us ‘cause you know we have a chance to make some real money, then we can move on to the next costumed baddie.” 

That was the moment there was a cheer by the darts. The five of them turned around to see Harley jumping up and down, squealing with pleasure. It was clear they had just won the game of darts. Joker stood up and caught Harley as she jumped into his arms. The clown laughed, wrapping his arms around her before dipping her back and kissing her, a fairly pornographic kiss with lots of tongue. 

Sally shuddered. She couldn’t figure out why Harley liked the Joker. The man scared the shit out of her and he was creepy as hell, but to each their own she thought before she said softly, “Must have won their game.” 

Jarold started to stand. “Well, then we’ll have to put this off…” 

Shep reached across the table and grabbed Jarold’s arm forcing the other man back down. “Just wait a minute.” 

* 

Joker pulled Harley onto his lap as he took his seat again at the bar and handed her his glass of absinthe. “Very well played, my sweet pumpkin pie.” He chuckled with amusement watching her take a sip. 

Harley giggled holding the drink to Joker’s lips for him to take a sip. “They were so sure they were going to win.” She shook her head. “Idiots.” 

Joker swallowed his sip with a laugh. “Yes my sweet, but where would we be without stupid people? The world would be a lot less amusing.” 

Harley giggled and nodded in agreement. “True, true.” She sighed happily, finishing off the last of the drink before leaning in close and starting to nibble on Joker’s ear. Joker grinned, his eyes rolling up pleasantly at the tickling feel of her tongue sliding along his earlobe, followed by the gentle press of her teeth. She wiggled just a little on his lap, causing him to grunt softly. He could feel the smile of her lips against his ear, the little devil, he thought with a happy smile. 

Joker adjusted her on his lap, his erection aching a bit. The pleasant scent of her skin rolled over him as she leaned in closer, her hand sliding along his cheek and into his hair while she continued to lick his ear. 

Harley whispered and her warm breath brushed against his skin sending shivers along his spine. “I want you to fuck me,” she purred, adding in a deeper voice. “I want to feel your cock throbbing in my mouth.” This little statement was followed by a sexy, sensual giggle. 

Joker’s eyes widened comically, a grin slowly spreading across his face. 

He shifted her position on his lap, but that only made his desire spike. “You know my dear, I was thinking…” he began, his voice a little rough as Harley stuck her tongue in his ear. “Maybe we should retire to the back seat of the car…” 

Harley purred, her hand sliding up along his chest. She could feel the warmth of his skin through the material and his excitement against her lap. “Oh? What about the gang?” 

Joker turned to the bartender, digging deep into the pocket of his trenchcoat he pulled out a thick wad of hundred dollar bills, part of tonight's crime. 

“Maury, make sure everyone gets whatever they want tonight,” Joker growled while his wife distracted him by nibbling on the small section of his throat exposed just over the collar of his shirt. Maury, the bartender and owner of the bar, walked over and picked up the roll of bills. “Sure thing.” He nodded to Joker before pocketing the money. 

Joker stood, lifting Harley with him, and called out to Frost. “We’ll be busy for a bit, you just have some fun with the kids!” 

A slight frown crossed Frost’s features, but he settled his expression into a neutral appearance as he watched the Boss, carrying Miss Quinn bridal style, turn to leave the bar. Frost bit his bottom lip. He had just had the back seat cleaned he thought with a sigh, but all he said was, “Ah...okay Boss.” 

Frost turned to the bartender. “Can you make me a Headless Horseman?” 

“Sure thing.” The man nodded and quickly went to work on the drink as Frost sat on the stool. Archie came to sit beside him, watching Joker carry Harley out of the bar. 

“Guess they're going to go celebrate by doing the Devil’s Tango?” The small man somehow managed to say Devil’s Tango without any humor and made the phrase sound as boring as drinking milk in a white room. 

Frost nodded. 

Archie frowned in thought, then added. “Didn’t you just have that back seat cleaned?” 

Frost shot Archie a glare. 

* 

Joker set Harley down on her feet, but before he reached for the car door he pushed her up against the door, grabbed her around the throat gently with one hand, while his other hand grasped her waist. He smiled at her, brushing his ruby lips along her cheek. “My sweet pumpkin…” He growled, pressing himself against her just before he kissed her aggressively. Harley made a soft, pleasurable groan, her hands sliding under his trenchcoat. She grabbed fistsful of his vest and shirt, tugging him against her, wrapped a leg around him, and returned his kiss with just as much passion. 

They kissed for a few moments before Harley groaned. “Let’s get inside…” 

Joker chuckled. “Oh yes, didn’t you say you wanted something in your mouth?” 

Harley smirked at him as she reached behind her to grab the door handle. “Mm...yes I did...” 

Harley pushed Joker off of her to turn and open the door. He watched, biting his bottom lip as Harley crawled into the back seat, her ass in the air. She glanced over her shoulder once to wink at him before she moved allowing him into the back seat with her. 

He shook his head with a soft laugh and followed her into the vehicle. 

* 

Shep shoved Jarold in the shoulder. “You and Allie go to the hideout right now and Reno and Sally can hit the back room. I’ll stay here and be look out.” 

Jarold didn’t look happy, but he stood. “So what are we getting?” 

“Anything you can grab--now go. The Boss won’t notice, he’ll be too busy fucking Quinn. And Frost will be here watching everyone else...it’s the perfect time. Now go!” Shep snarled. 

Jarold sighed, but he reached out for Allie’s hand. Allie didn’t look to have any of his misgivings as she took Jarold’s hand with a grin. 

Shep watched the others slowly get up, leaving the bar a few minutes apart. 

Leaning back in his seat, Shep began to really enjoy his beer. This plan was perfect; nothing could go wrong and they were going to be rich! 

* 

Joker groaned loudly, leaning his head back against the back seat for a moment, his body tensing with pleasure as Harley sucked deeply on him. His hand rested on her back, gently caressing her bare shoulders with the tips of his fingers. Occasionally, he would jerk or hiss as she took him deep into her mouth followed by the delightful brush of her teeth or the slick caress of her tongue. He was fighting to hold off his climax, but she was making it damn difficult for him! 

Licking his red lips, Joker looked down at her. The lights from the parking lot made her golden hair shimmer. She was lying on her stomach, her feet in the air, slowly, lazily kicking her feet back and forth while she sucked on him, one hand wrapped around his erection occasionally stroking him when she pulled her lips up. Sucking on his bottom lip, Joker pressed one hand against the window, looking down at her, watching the gentle bob of her head. Her tongue moved in a wet slip and slide against him, her teeth teasing against his skin, sending little shivers throughout his entire body. His girl knew exactly how to use her tongue. 

When she pulled up, her lips tight against him, her tongue moving like a snake against his penis, one of Joker’s legs jerked, his foot causing the front seat to jump (he thought briefly that it was a good thing he had shoved Frost seat up as far as it would go.) He felt Harley’s soft giggle vibrate through him, which only made the urge to kick his leg stronger. 

“Uh...Harley...” Joker reached down to stroke her back, his fingers brushing against her smooth skin. He could feel her smile against him as she lowered her mouth one more time, taking enough of him into her mouth until he was touching the back of her throat. He hissed loudly as his eyes rolled back in delight. Next she dragged her lips and tongue back up his length, stopping to bob her head up and down before finishing her pull up his length. 

* 

Jarold stopped short when he hit the parking lot. He could see Joker’s car from where he and Allie were standing. 

Allie shoved him in the back. “Go!” she hissed. 

Jarold could see shadows moving in the back seat of the car, freezing him in place, but Allie shoved him hard enough that he stumbled. “Go!” she demanded again. 

This time, his feet moved. They hurried over to one of the cars. Jarold was shaking, sure that Joker would hear the car start and just know something was up, but nothing happened. After a few seconds of fumbling around, Jarold got the car out of the parking lot and was heading back to the hideout, his heart in his throat. 

* 

Once she was at the head of his erection, Harley licked him with slow, tantalizing care. The tip of her tongue played against the head of his erection, caressing and tracing him, eliciting an eruption of goosebumps along his skin. Licking him like an ice cream, Harley turned her head to glance up at him, caught his eye and winked. 

Joker growled with a grin. 

Turning her attention back to nibbling softly at him, Harley squeezed his erection gently, causing him to jerk, struggling not to cum. Harley smiled, licking away the drop of excitement that beaded at the head of his erection, making Joker struggle more to hold back. Harley sucked gently on the head of his shaft before finally pushing herself up with a satisfied smirk on her lips. 

Joker growled pleasantly at her.,“You are a terrible woman.” 

Harley pressed her teeth into her full bottom lip and grinned mischievously. “That’s why you love me,” she purred while she reached behind her and slowly began pulling at the laces of her corset. 

Joker bobbed his head back and forth. “True, true…” He turned his attention to watching her as she unlaced the back of her corset before reaching forward to unhook the front, freeing her breasts, much to his delight. Dropping the corset into the front seat and out of her way, Harley sat back, and with some deft twisting, slipped out of her skirt, followed by her panties, depositing them along with her corset in the front seat until all she was wearing only her garter belt, hose, and boots. 

* 

Reno and Sally couldn’t take the other car, one car gone wouldn’t really turn that many heads, but both cars being gone would. They had prepared for this situation when the opportunity arose. Reno and Sally headed down the street until they were a block or more away and then called a cab. 

The cab took them across town where they had another car stashed. Now they just needed to get to the hideout and hit the backrooms. 

Easy. 

* 

Joker’s breathing became ragged when he saw his wife naked. His erection throbbed with his need. “Grr...come here poo…” He growled reaching for her, grabbed her by her arm and practically dragged her over to him. Harley giggled with pleasure as her puddin manhandled her onto his lap. 

Biting her bottom lip again, Harley adjusted herself over him. The streetlights reflected in her eyes, taking Joker’s breath away with how beautiful she was...his girl...his wife...his Harley Quinn. 

Gazing at her just made him want her even more. 

Harley groaned deeply, rubbing him against herself, teasing them both. He jerked again at her touch. Harley was so wet that the slick feel of her was making his shaft ache with the need to be buried inside her. He gasped for air, struggling against his own needs. 

“Harley…” he moaned, pleading with her as he pulled her close, caressing her shoulders. He gently kissed her shoulders, then her throat, running his tongue along her soft skin before dipping his head down to her breasts. He took a moment just to press his face against her skin, to smell the sweet perfume of her before his tongue dragged across the nipple of one breast. Harley shuddered at the feel of his warm, wet tongue against her. Groaning she shivered when he sucked her nipple between his lips, tugging her closer to him. She couldn’t wait any longer, her body ached to feel him inside her. Sliding down on him, Harley gasped with pleasure, feeling his erection plunge into her, deep inside. She groaned loudly and grasped his shoulders. 

Harley began to roll her hips, thrusting slowly up and down while Joker held her close, sucking at her breasts, curling his tongue around her nipple before switching to do the same with her other breast. His tongue made her shiver, his hands pressing into her skin as he held her close. The tickle of his warm breath sent more shivers along her spine. Squeezing his shoulders, Harley arched her back, thrusting harder, grinding against him. 

Joker groaned, his hands sliding up her back, watching her, his breath coming in ragged gasps as he felt her squeeze around him. He jerked and drew a sharp breath in through his teeth, struggling against his own pleasure. He pulled her back to him, capturing Harley’s mouth for a deep kiss before letting her go so he could lay his forehead against hers. He enjoyed staring into her eyes while they fucked. Harley grabbed the sides of his head, staring back at him, rising up and down in short bursts on his shaft as she stared into his eyes. 

“I love you,” she groaned softly. “I love you.” 

Joker moaned in response with a hissed, “Harley...I love you too.” 

His words sent her arching back into a mind-numbing climax. She pressed her hands up against the ceiling of the car, her entire body rolling and thrusting with her orgasm, her cries filling the vehicle. Joker thrust back, pressing his shoes firmly against the floor and thrusting into her, watching as Harley moved over him and cried out. Her body tightened around him, holding him until he couldn’t fight her anymore. His own orgasm ripped through him, drawing forth a loud cry that mixed with hers. 

Bringing herself back up, Harley wrapped her arms around him, rocking with her puddin, the two of them sharing their orgasms until they both stopped moving. 

Harley went limp in his arms and groaned loudly, her head on his shoulder. “Mm...I love it when we have a good night.” 

Joker chuckled and nuzzled her neck. “What are you talking about sweets? Our nights together are always good nights!” 

Harley smiled and giggled when his nuzzling started to tickle. “You’re right puddin, every night with you is a good night.” 

“Of course it is! You are the luckiest clown in all of Gotham!” Joker licked her ear before he sat back to smile at her. “You get to be with me.” 

“Hey!” She laughed poking him in the chest. “What does that make you then?” 

“The luckiest Clown Prince of Gotham because I have the prettiest clown in Gotham as my wife and partner.” Joker gave her a smug look that had her chuckling and hugging him tightly. 

* 

It was late, or early, Joker wasn’t really sure which, but they had gotten home after fun at the bar and incredible sex in the back of the car, repeated in the shower when they got home, but now fatigue was beginning to hit. 

Joker yawned, his jaw cracking as he hurried across the cold room after brushing his teeth in the bathroom. Once at the bed he pulled back the covers, shivering before he climbed in, and yanked the covering over him. The room was cold and as autumn turned into winter, it was becoming increasingly colder. Joker loved the cold, but it wasn’t that much fun when he was wearing only a pair of clown printed boxers and nothing else. 

The moment he crawled under the covers where Harley--wearing only a pair of pink panties--was propped up with some pillows looking at stuff on her phone. Her hair was styled into two braids that rested on her shoulders. She lifted her arm without looking over at him, scrolling through her phone with just her thumb. Joker quickly snuggled closer, slipping his head under her arm, pressing his cheek against the top of her breasts where the warmth of her skin began to warm him up immediately. Scooting closer, Joker wrapped an arm around her waist and one pale ghost white leg around Harley’s thigh. He snuggled his nose down against her skin and whispered. 

“Whatcha doin’?” 

Harley glanced down at him, using her fingers to brush through his green hair. Joker closed his eyes with a smile snuggling just a tiny bit closer. “Oh I was just looking through the black market, see if anyone had put up anything interesting,” she said absently as she went back to scrolling with her thumb, the fingers of her other hand beginning to lull Joker to sleep. The black market was a dark web page called Nefarious Goods. It was basically a sort of ebay where one could buy illegal items, but it was also a place where collectors could bid on items owned by nefarious criminals like Ted Bundy, a toy made by the Toymaker or a lock of hair from someone like Solomon Grundy. Some of the items on the site could go for thousands of dollars to Murder collectors. Harley liked to peruse the site looking for things like grenades or unusual items they could use for their own infamous capers. 

Harley giggled and held her phone down so Joker could see the screen. “Looks like Penguin is at it again. He’s got like ten new listings!” 

Joker opened one eye to look at the screen. “What’s he selling this time?” 

Harley frowned, bringing the screen closer to her again. “Mm...let’s see. He’s selling a few paintings listed as definitely not fake...he’s got a really cool looking suit and...oh, he’s selling one of his limos!” 

Joker made a rude noise that caused Harley to giggle as the vibration tickled. “Who would want one of Pengy’s cars? The entire interior probably smells like dead fish.” 

Continuing to scroll, Harley snickered holding the phone down for him again. “Look, Eddie is selling one of his bowler hats. That means he’s got a plan in the works!” 

Joker again opened one eye to look at the screen. “How much is he asking?” 

Harley frowned looking through the listing. “Mm...looks like he wants the starting bid at $3000.” 

Joker snorted then whispered. “Put down $3001.” 

Harley chucked doing as her puddin asked. “So why are we bidding?” 

“Because it would chaff Riddler’s ass if I showed up wearing one of his hats,” Joker replied sleepily. 

Shaking her head, Harley continued to look through the listings, starting to become sleepy when she went still, her eyes widening on a listing. Joker, who had just started to doze off, felt the change in Harley, felt her stiffen. They had been together long enough that he recognized when Harley was pissed off and this was definitely a “pissed off” type of going still. 

“Pumpkin?’ Joker didn’t move, but he opened his eyes. 

Harley’s voice was a low hiss. “Someone has one of my bats listed.” 

Joker squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them again, still confused. “What? Your bat? Well that’s clearly fake sweets…” He pushed himself up, reluctantly leaving the warmth of her breast as he sat up, pulling the blankets up over his shoulders. 

Harley shook her head, her blue eyes wide, her lips set in a line of anger. “No puddin...it’s mine…it’s my bat...” 

She showed him the listing. Joker took the phone from her and examined the listing himself. 

The listing read: ‘Harley Quinn’s bat!! No fakes, this baseball bat belonged to the nefarious Harley Quinn, clown and lover to the infamous Joker! The bat, which is in its original condition, includes all scratches associated with wear and even has some dried blood still on it! Place your bid now!’ 

“But, how did someone…” Joker muttered as Harley took her phone back. 

He watched as she quickly raced through the listings, her eyes widening by the seconds, her anger growing. Joker watched her lips go thin, her jaw clench, her body stiffen tighter. He’d seen Harley angry lots of times, but this was different. She wasn’t just angry, she was furious! 

“Harls?” Joker asked a little worried because his girl rarely became furious except maybe at Batsy. 

“Puddin...whoever this is has a listening for our underwear, one of your hats, a pair of your gloves, and one of your canes. They have that gold necklace you had made for me with the gold “J” on it and they have the pocket watch I had engraved for you on one of your last unbirthdays…” Her voice was low. He could hear the tremor in it as she tried to control her rising temper. 

“What?” Joker couldn’t believe someone had taken their personal belongings. Who would dare use their personal belongings? And how would anyone get them? 

He took the phone from Harley’s hand and scrolled through the listings. She was correct, he saw with growing irritation. There was a listing that had a photograph of a pair of his boxers, the ones with the little smiling fish on them listed alongside a pair of Harley’s panties, a pair with the ruffles on the butt that she sometimes wore under her dresses because she knew how much he liked getting a glimpse of her panties. There was one of his wide brim purple hats listed, a separate listing for a pair of his dark purple leather gloves, and another listing for one of his canes, (one of the older ones that had his face carved into the handle that he didn’t use as often anymore) Joker started to develop a strange feeling in his gut, a feeling of having been violated. The fact that someone had crawled through, fingered, touched, and handled his and Harley’s personal stuff...that they had touched Harley’s unmentionables, taken their personal treasures… 

Joker killed people, he took people’s lives, but God damn it, he never fingered anyone's personal belongings!! He never took things that were special to someone!! Even he had lines that he didn’t cross and going through someone’s underwear drawer was on that bloody list!!! 

That was just...disgusting and rude!! 

But the item listed that really set Joker off was not just when he saw the gold “J” necklace listed, one that he had gotten for Harley on one of their anniversaries, but in a separate listing Joker saw the pocket watch, his pocket watch. The gold pocket watch with the dancing clown that had the arms which told the time, the one that Harley had engraved the lid for him, the one that read: 

“To my Puddin, the only man who can make me laugh, love ya always, Harley.” That watch was listed, the engraving exposed for everyone to see… 

That made Joker so angry that for a moment all he saw was read. 

Joker gripped Harley’s phone so tightly in his rising anger that the plastic groaned in response. “Those fucking bastards…” Joker hissed. 

Harley pushed the covers back and stood up, reaching for her robe at the end of the bed. “I’m going to go check to see if those things are actually missing. I mean, they could be fakes, which still annoys me, but…” 

Joker nodded at her while he turned his attention back to the phone. He rested his arms on his bent knees as he sat up fully. “I’m going to see who this lister is…” 

Harley nodded switching on one of the bedside lamps and began to search. 

Joker frowned as he looked up the name of the seller. Joker read through the seller’s bio, then to the listing of other items. The other things for sale weren’t anything special, but he did decide to look through older sales that they had completed. It only took Joker a few seconds to find that the seller had a few other items that they had sold in the past, items that supposedly belonged to him and Harley. 

Joker’s mouth fell open. Whoever this person was, they had sold a pair of his shoes (granted a pair of older ones he hadn’t worn in ages), a blood covered pair of spats, one of Harley’s bras, and a knife. This person had sold one of his knives... 

Joker stopped scrolling through the past listings. The anger in his chest was making his ears turn red while he heard Harley searching through the items that they kept on the dresser, as well as pulling open drawers. 

“Says here that the seller, someone named Flunkies and Clowns and whoever it is has a Gotham shipping address listed…” 

Harley, who was on her knees looking through the bottom of their closet with only her rear visible, sat up and turned around to look over at him. “Gotham? Flunkies and Clowns?” 

Joker nodded, holding her phone out to her with the screen facing her despite the fact that she couldn’t see what was written there from her position on the floor and halfway into their closet. 

Growling, Harley got to her feet. “My necklace isn’t where I put it and those panties are missing too. Your hat isn’t where it usually is...I’m not sure about the cane, but your pocket watch wasn’t on the vanity.” 

Joker growled. “So someone has been going through our things and stealing from us? From US??” 

He started to pull the covers back to get up, but Harley sighed. Her shoulders drooped and she shook her head. “Not tonight puddin...we need to…” 

“But Harley, how can we wait? I don’t want someone buying my pocket watch?!” He pleaded with her gesturing with the phone. “Someone could take my pocket watch! The one that you gave me!!” He stuck his bottom lip out far enough that many a three-year old would be proud and envious of Joker’s pouting ability. 

Harley came over. She looked a little sad, but definitely very tired. “Here, let me see how long the listing time has...” 

Joker handed her the phone as Harley flopped down beside him on his side of the bed. She looked through the listings carefully. “Okay, each listing was put up this evening…” She pressed her lips together. So someone had been going through their stuff while she and her puddin had been celebrating...she felt the unease of having been violated...the bastards. “They all are listed for a week, so we can get these assholes tomorrow. As much as I hate to wait, we both need some sleep puddin.” Harley frowned glancing over at her clown who did not look happy, but as if on cue, he broke out into a large yawn. 

“But Harley, they already sold some of our things…” he protested one more time even as Harley stood up and slipped off the robe, her nakedness distracting him for a moment as she walked around to her side of the bed. 

“I know puddin, but those things are gone...we ain’t getting them back tonight. I think we should sleep and then tomorrow...bam!” She flopped down on her side of the bed, dropping her phone to the table and smashed her fist into the palm of her hand. “We find them and make them pay.” 

Joker wanted to protest. He was angry and he wanted to rain down his anger on whoever had the nerve to go into his private space and take their things, but Harley was right. Tonight had been fun and long and they were both exhausted. 

“Fine,” he muttered even as another yawn hit him. Harley sighed, clearly annoyed by the situation, but she yawned with him as she laid down and rolled onto her side. She lifted her arm in invitation, a gentle smile on her lips. Joker sighed and smiled. Her invitation was something he could never deny. He slipped into the bed and wiggled back as he laid on his side until his back was up against Harley’s chest. She wrapped her arm around his waist and pulled him closer. He smiled, feeling the warm brush of her breath against his shoulder, the press of her pelvis against his rear, and one of her legs slid between his own. 

“Dream murderous dreams puddin,” Harley whispered, her warm breath tickling his back. “We are going to have some fun tomorrow, we’ll form a posse!” 

Joker grinned and wrapped his hand around hers, his fingers sliding between her fingers and tucking both their hands under his chest. “A posse...I like the sound of that sweets. Joker and Harley’s posse hunting down some vile varmints!” Joker twisted his head around just a little to look over his shoulder. “You think we can dress up?” 

Harley giggled snuggling closer and rubbing her nose against his skin. “‘Course we can puddin. I can be a saloon girl and you can be a sheriff if you want…” 

Joker chuckled snuggling back against her, hugging her arm tighter. “Mm...that might be fun.” He sighed, relaxing. “But yeah, you’re right sweets...tomorrow night is going to be fun.” 

Harley kissed his back. “Night puddin.” 

Joker closed his eyes smiling. “Night Poo.” <>* 

Hester Rodriguez muttered to herself angrily as she stirred the sauce she had simmering on the stovetop. Her son Shep was in her basement again with his stupid criminal friends messing up her house and making noise. She didn’t know what they were up to, but she knew that boy was up to no good. He had been up to no good his entire life. Took after his criminal of a father. She did her best, took that boy to church, tried to give him positive influences, but she supposed bad blood won out. 

In the last fifteen years, he had done nothing but bring her headaches and the police to her door. She didn’t know why she didn’t just call the cops on him and have him hauled out of her house. She supposed there was a drop of motherly blood still in her veins that made her keep her mouth shut, but if he brought another gangster down on her home, she might just kill the boy herself! Continuing to mutter, Hester turned the burner off and moved the pot of sauce when there was a knock at her door. 

Continuing to mutter Hester went to her door. Who on earth could be coming to her door this late?! It was almost one in the morning! The only reason she was up and cooking was because she didn’t trust her son Shep not to rob her blind while she slept. 

Thank God she had two other children, two she was proud to call her own. She didn’t feel the least bit bad to say that if Shep disappeared tomorrow, like his father, she would not miss him. Hester grabbed the baseball bat she kept on the other side of the door, flung open the door, thinking to rip whoever was on the other side a new one because, what sort of asshole showed up this late except someone here to cause trouble, but she stopped short. Crowding her small stoop stood an extremely tall, slender man wearing a tailored three piece green suit with a dark purple dress shirt, green and gold striped tie and a purple trench coat over the top. Even his shoes were nice, pointed black dress shoes and white spats like her great grandfather used to wear. His skin was ghostly pale, but his lips were rose red and his eyes were a bright, hypnotic blue. The man didn’t seem to be armed, but Hester didn’t miss the slicked back green hair under a wide brim purple fedora either. She knew who this finely dressed and surprisingly handsome man was...the Joker. 

Standing next him was a beautiful blonde woman dressed like a circus saloon girl with a black leather corset, red and black striped ruffled collar, and bustle in the back that dragged the ground behind her, red and black striped stockings held up by garter belts. Her blonde hair was done up in curls with a red and black tulle top hat fascinator sitting at a jaunty angle on her head. The young woman had painted her face clown white with lipstick--the same color as the Joker’s--on her shapely lips. She even had a little black heart painted under one eye. The young woman was armed with an almost comical looking black and red painted mallet that rested on the her shoulder. 

Hester knew her too, Harley Quinn, the Joker’s paramour. 

Behind her stood a large man in a black suit, hair cut military short. He didn’t look normal exactly; Hester pegged the man as a cop, or ex-cop. Next to him and standing behind the Joker was an even larger bald man wearing his own black corset except his was trimmed with peacock feathers. The tutu he wore was layered with more peacock feathers along with his black stockings and blue high top tennis shoes which had peacock feathers attached to them. Between them was an extremely short man dressed like a clown in white, with a pointed hat, unshaven with a sort of hobo clown paint job on his face, and a fat smoking cigar in his mouth. 

The Joker smiled at the woman and bowed elegantly. “Sorry for disturbing you this evening, but are you running the Flunkies and Clowns page that’s selling items that belong to me and my lady here?” 

Hester narrowed her eyes. “That’d be my son.” 

Joker smiled at her, a smile that might have made her blood turn to ice if she hadn’t lived in Gotham her entire life. “Well then, we’d like to speak to your son.” 

Hester smiled, a grin that was just as cold as Joker’s grin. “Come on in.” 

* 

In the basement, Shep grinned as he watched the computer screen, tracking the bids on their merchandise. So far they had bids on everything they had put up. The panties and boxers were by far the biggest with the last bid being $10, 000--far more than he had hoped for. Joker’s other personal items that they had listed separately, the hat, gloves and cane were all being bid on by the same person with a combined total of $20 000. The pocket watch was sitting at two grand. Harley’s bat was currently sitting at five thousand and her necklace at seven grand!! They were going to be rich after this haul!! The other items they had sold before this had gotten them a pretty penny, but nothing like this! 

Shep had said this would be the last haul before they moved on to another one of Gotham’s costumed villains, like maybe the Riddler or Scarecrow, but Shep wasn’t so sure. Shep rubbed his lips together as he thought about other items they could steal and sell...he had just stumbled on a way to make a fortune!! The Joker and Harley Quinn were hot stuff in the Murdermobilia market, which made Shep reconsider selling the bra of Harley’s he had stolen...a little item for his personal collection maybe. He wondered briefly if he made enough money, could he steal Harley Quinn from the Joker? Now that would be the pinnacle of his criminal career to steal the Joker’s bitch! 

Shep chuckled silently to himself. 

Grinning, Shep watched as another bid came in on Joker’s pocket watch; they could make another tidy fortune if they stuck with the clowns for another couple of jobs. Jarold was getting cold feet, the little whiner, Shep thought with a frown. The little fart was scared they would get killed on a caper with the clowns or found out. He couldn’t figure out why the guy had gotten into crime if he was such a whiner. Danger was part of the job! Though Shep didn’t plan on dying soon. When he went out, it was going to be in a blaze of glory, with a couple of bitches on his arms, coke in his nose, money in his pocket, and guns blazing. His death was going to be epic. Besides, Shep didn’t see how the clowns could find out about his little gang stealing from them. He and his little crew had been careful. 

Shep shook his head again. Jarold was such a wimp. 

Shep glanced over to the couch where Jarold and the others were playing on the Playstation 4 they had bought. There were bottles of expensive liquor everywhere, along with several cans of beer. There was dust on the table from the cocaine they had all been snorting and some empty pizza boxes since his bitch of a mother refused to cook for them, which was fine. They had enough money right now to get anything they wanted and after they sold the latest shit they’d stolen from the clowns, Shep planned on getting his own place or maybe he could just save himself some money and throw his mother’s ass onto the street. 

Shep chuckled to himself, his smile broadening when he saw someone put another bid on Joker’s and Harley’s underwear. Yeah, that’s what he would do, kick that bitch into the street and take this place, then he would fill the house with drugs and women. 

Shep ran his tongue over his teeth thinking that maybe he should cut Jarold out permanently. Which would leave just him and Reno as the guys in the gang. He could shoot the little wuss, dump the body, that would mean a bigger split for all of them, and it might get him a chance with Allie. Shep was contemplating killing Jarold when the door to the basement creaked open. Shep snarled without looking up from the computer. “I said to stay the fuck out of here you stupid bitch!!!” 

“Now, is that any way to talk to your mother?” A male’s voice laughed from above followed by a softer female voice. 

“Maybe that’s why his mother doesn't really care if we kill him puddin?” 

“Oh that might be it. She did say she had two other children that she was quite proud of,” Joker replied as he came strolling down the stairs with Harley Quinn right behind him. 

The others in the room stopped what they were doing to stare. 

Shep went stiff. 

He turned slowly in his chair to watch as Joker came down the basement stairs and looked around with a wrinkled nose. “Well isn’t this place just...charming.” 

Harley Quinn followed him. Shep shifted uncomfortably at the sight of her. “Puddin, this place smells like B.O.” 

Joker laughed turning to take her hand and guide her down the last few steps. “Sweets, I was being sarcastic.” 

Harley wrinkled her nose and giggled. “Sorry puddin, the smell of shit and stupid overcame my sense of humor.” 

Joker frowned, sticking his red bottom lip out in a perfect pout. “No, it’s I who should be sorry pumpkin, bringing you to a place like this...and poor Hester! Just look at the state of her basement, old pizza, old drugs, and vermin...” He shook his head. “It’s sad.” 

Harley nodded, holding Joker’s hand and turning her attention to the people down here, all of whom hadn’t moved an inch since their arrival. “Yes poor Hester, having an infestation of drug snorting rats in her basement…” Harley shook her head and made a tsk tsk sound. 

Joker turned his attention back to the people in the basement even as the three men he had brought with him came the rest of the way down the steps and positioned themselves in such a way behind the two clowns that they could defend the Joker and Harley Quinn if the need arose. 

“Now,” Joker said with a glint in his blue eyes. “Which one of you is Shep?” Joker looked around, lifting a green eyebrow. 

None of them spoke. 

Joker sighed, glancing sideways at Harley before he said with a chuckle, “Shep Rodriguez? Rodriguez? Rodriguez…” Joker used the same dull, monotonous tone as the teacher in the attendance scene from the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. 

One of the men sitting on the couch suddenly stood up and pointed at Shep. “That’s him!! That’s Shep!! He’s the leader! This is all his fault! We didn’t want to help him, but he made us!! It’s…” The man didn’t finish his frantic statement because Joker simply pulled his coat aside, exposing the bright yellow flower he wore pinned to his lapel. The moment the flower was exposed, a stream of neon green liquid leapt out and struck the man squarely in the chest. The smell of cheap burning fabric was immediately accompanied by the hot dog-like scent of burning flesh. 

The man Joker had hit with the acid, Reno, began to scream. The man twisted around, trying to pat out the acid as it burned a hole through his chest, but his actions only caused him to burn his hands, fueling his screams. The others in the room all screamed with him. Jarold, Sally, and Allie all jumped up from the couch and backed away from Reno while Shep remained glued to his chair. Everyone watched in horror as the acid burned straight through Reno’s chest, leaving a gory hole that showed off his spine to everyone in the room. It took far too long, but finally Reno collapsed, smoking, the smell of hot dogs drifting from him. 

Joker frowned, wrinkling his nose at the man’s corpse. “I hate snitches…as the old saying goes, snitches get stitches, or in this case, a bad case of heartburn.” He turned his attention back to the room. “...so...that’s Shep?” He pointed at Shep who still had not moved from the computer. 

The other three looked at one another, clearly not sure if they should answer or not. 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Joker smiled, turning his attention to Shep. “So it was your idea to steal from us? Your mother said it was probably you.” 

Shep swallowed. His gun was over by the pizza boxes. He wasn’t sure if he could get it in time... 

“My mother doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about. Uh, it was all our idea,” he said instead. If he was going down, he was taking everyone with him. 

Sally growled. “It was your idea asshole, you just talked the rest of us into helping you!” 

Harley spoke up looking annoyed. “You could have said no.” 

Sally turned to look at Harley, her eyes wide, opening her mouth to reply, but instead snapped it shut again. 

Joker pursed his lips looking around the room. “I’m going to guess, judging by the cocaine still on the table there that this isn’t the first time...how long have they been with us Frost?” 

Frost spoke up, his tone one of suppressed anger. “They joined up three weeks ago.” 

Joker nodded, looking like a disappointed father. “Three weeks, eh? Well, I can tell you that Harley and I feel a little violated.” 

Allie stepped forward. “Look, we’re all bad guys here and it wasn’t like we took anything that you can’t replace. Maybe we can come to some sort of understanding…” Allie saw what was about to happen, but she was unable to step out of the way in time as Harley snarled, stepped forward, and swung her bat. 

Harley’s bat caught Allie across the face with a loud crack. The woman’s head snapped to the side, and her body swung with the impact, blood and teeth flying from her mouth. Harley, a vicious smile on her pretty face, brought her bat up over her head and smashed the wooden bat down on Allie again, catching the woman on the shoulder; she collapsed to the floor next to the couch. 

The others in the room quickly backed out of the way, pressing themselves against the wall as Harley, hissing and growling, continued to bring her bat down on Allie. “That POCKETWATCH WAS A GIFT FOR MY PUDDIN’S UNBIRTHDAY YOU BITCH!!! I HAD IT ENGRAVED SPECIAL!!!” Harley continued to beat Allie until the dead woman’s head cracked like a melon, spilling blood and brains onto the floor. 

Joker, smiling happily, hurried over and took Harley by the shoulders. “All right pumpkin, calm down,” he murmured in a soothing voice. 

Harley snarled, breathing heavily through her clenched teeth, but she let Joker pull her back from Allie’s remains. 

Joker put his arm around Harley’s shoulders and smiled at the rest in the room. “Now you see how you’ve upset my sweet lady wife?” 

Shep finally stood up, shaking as he slowly backed his way over to the last two of his crew. This had gone down hill so quickly he wasn’t sure what to do. If he could only get to his gun. He moved closer, edging along the wall slowly, his gun just out of reach… 

“Look, why don’t we just give you your things back and call it even?” he said trying to distract the clown. 

Jarold nodded quickly (now that Shep was close to him he could smell that Jarold had shit himself.) “Yeah, all that stuff we took is in the closet behind you!” 

Shep moved a little closer to his gun. He could see it, just under the lid of one of the pizza boxes. 

Bob turned around, his cherub face breaking into a smile when he saw the door Shep had indicated. The big man opened the door to a small closet. Pulling the string to turn on the closet’s light, he looked around while Joker and the others waited patiently. 

Joker sighed and pulled Harley closer to his side. “So after this, what do you feel like doing sweets?” 

Harley frowned, her bottom lip sticking out in thought. “I don’t know puddin, I’m not really in the mood to go out…” 

“Maybe we could go home and play some cards?” Joker suggested before grinning with a devilish air. “I know...let’s play some strip poker.” 

Harley giggled her cheeks reddening under her white makeup. “You always cheat.” 

“Yes, but I cheat to your benefit don’t I?” Joker asked with a laugh. 

“True, you always let me win...Okay, strip poker.” Harley giggled kissing his chin, then his lips in a kiss that quickly turned passionate. Shep and the others stared in disbelief while Joker and Harley began to make out a little heavier, while Bob made all sorts of banging noises as he searched the closet. 

Just as Joker had grabbed Harley’s ass and pulled her closer, the big man popped out of the closet, a black plastic garbage bag in his hand. He held the bag up with a bright smile and nodded silently. 

Joker reluctantly pulled himself away from Harley, who took the bag from Bob and looked inside. “Yep puddin, it’s our stuff,” Harley confirmed before handing the bag back to Bob. 

Shep grinned. His knees felt weak and he was worried he might do like Jarold and shit himself if this didn’t end soon. 

He nodded and pointed at Bob and the bag. “There, there you can just take your stuff and you’ll never see us again.” He looked back at Sally and Jarold. “We’ll leave Gotham! That’s what we’ll do…” The other two nodded furiously. 

Joker smiled at Shep, but his look was pitying. “I could, I could let you go, true, but where would the lesson be in that? Besides, your mother said if we killed you, she would treat us to a spaghetti dinner and I don’t know if you’ve smelled her sauce she’s cooking upstairs, but it smells delicious!” Joker did a chef’s kiss with his fingers. “She’s even making her own garlic bread too! Plus, this little scene has gotten really boring.” Joker sighed and shook his head. “You five were extremely boring, I mean I was really expecting more of a fight or something…” He looked at Harley who nodded her agreement. 

Giving his wife a smile, his arm sliding around her waist, Joker pulled his gun from under the folds of his coat with the other. 

Shep, Jarold, and Sally all put their hands up, all of them starting to babble at the same time, but Joker, clearly bored--especially now that they had their stuff back and there was the potential of a freshly cooked meal waiting for them upstairs--quickly and efficiently shot all three of them in the forehead. 

“Oh puddin, good shot!” Harley kissed his cheek even as the three bodies hit the floor. 

Joker smiled with pleasure at his wife, kissing the tip of her nose. “Well now...everyone hungry?” He turned to look at the others. 

Archie nodded. “Yeah, I could go for a good dinner.” 

Frost shrugged. “I’m not against a good meal.” 

Bob simply looked pleased by the idea. 

“Well, let us go!” Joker laughed and spun around heading back up the stairs. 

* 

Sitting at a simple kitchen table, Joker let out a long, low groan and rubbed his stomach as he leaned back in his chair. “Hester, that was fantastic!” 

Hester, who was picking up some of the dirty dishes, smiled with pleasure at his praise. “Thank you! I’m so glad you enjoyed it. I do appreciate you cleaning that mess up for me.” She pointed to the basement door with her eyes. 

Harley giggled taking a sip of the cheap wine that Hester had on hand. “I'm sorry we got blood and brains all over your basement though.” 

Hester shrugged walking over to her sink. “The city can pay to clean it up.” 

“Well, speaking of the city, we should probably let you call the cops…” Joker stood and stretched. “That really was the best spaghetti dinner I’ve ever had!” 

Hester beamed. “Well you and your wife are welcome here at any time.” 

Harley giggled with pleasure standing up to help pick up the dirty dishes along with Bob. “Awww!! That’s so sweet!! Thank you Hester!” 

With the scrape of a chair against the floor, Joker stood. He walked over to Hester and dug into the depths of his coat pocket and pulled out a wad of money held together with a rubber band. 

“Should be $10, 000 there, maybe more, I don’t know. Just make sure you hide it from the cops,” he said as he placed the wad of bills in her hand. 

Hester gasped. “Oh, but you shouldn’t!” 

Joker smiled, taking Harley’s hands. “It’s the least I can do for such a wonderful dinner.” 

Hester blushed and smiled, walking them all to the door. “Well, I cook a home cooked meal every Friday night. Consider this a standing invitation to stop by whenever you want.” She waved as Joker and Harley stepped outside. “Oh and Frost, feel free to bring your girl with you sometime too,” Hester added. 

Frost blushed and nodded. “Thanks, I will.” 

Hester simply smiled and waved as the group walked down her steps. “Night!! Thanks again!!” 

Joker and Harley turned to wave at her before getting into the car. 

As the car pulled away, Hester smiled brightly, shoving the cash into her bra before pulling out her phone. She pinched herself a few times, hard enough to bring tears to her eyes before she made her way to her bedroom and hid in her closet. 

Once she was sure she had enough tears in her eyes and voice, Hester called the police. 

“Help! Please help me!!” she whimpered into the phone when the 911 operator picked up on the other end. “My home has just been invaded!!” 

Once she had given the operator all the pertinent information, Hester settled back to wait, a grin on her face. It was always nice, making new friends.


End file.
